mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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