Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
