its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
