Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
