A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
