The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
