I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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