Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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