your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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