We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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