Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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