i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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