I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
