Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
