we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
This baby is an asshole
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
