The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
