I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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