my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I still have a little drunk in my system
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize