I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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