I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
