Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
