So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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