1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
