Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize