I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
