Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
