Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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