my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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