It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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