Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
