Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
