i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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