Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
