i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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