Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
it's like heaven, but drunker
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
