I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Houston, we have a blender
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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