When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
