if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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