I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
