She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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