I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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