His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
