What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
