I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
