i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
