Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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