Are we in a gay sports bar?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Holy sore nipples Batman
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
