Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
