i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
