Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
