cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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