those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
