This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
