i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
