I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
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