You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
