The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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