I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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