OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
