i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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