I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
