I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize