She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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