dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Even the bartender felt bad for me
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Drake has all the answers
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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